10

Jul 12

SMITE ME MAYBE

Suppose for a moment that the skies open up and legions of alien ships land in parking lots and city parks, completing their decades-long trip to planet Earth.  The assumed leader of this humanoid hoard steps out for an immediate audience.  As luck would have it, you have a front row seat, and he speaks flawless English.

“HUMANKIND!  WE HAIL FROM AN AREA IN SPACE THAT YOU DESIGNATE AS THE GLIESE 445 SYSTEM.”  The words are amplified without a source.  Most of whom he addresses run away, but you stand your ground, because I have written it so.

“WE HAVE RECEIVED YOUR INTERSTELLAR MIX-TAPE.”

While your interest is piqued at this marvelous revelation, you can’t help but notice armed brigades of aliens pouring out of the bellies of their featherless birds.

“AFTER LISTENING TO ‘JOHNNY B. GOODE,’ WE IMMEDIATELY SET OFF FOR YOUR PLANET TO PAY TRIBUTE TO YOUR HUMAN GOD, CHUCK BERRY.”

How nice, you think.  In the back of your mind, you question whether or not Chuck Berry is still alive; the answer is yes.

“AS WE NEARED YOUR PLANET, WE RECEIVED YOUR RADIO TRANSMISSIONS.  EVERY RADIO SIGNAL CARRIED THE SAME DATA.”

Beams of light shoot into the sky, projecting an image onto a passing cloud.  As the signal increases in clarity and substance, you recoil in horror.  It is too late.


“CHUCK BERRY WOULD BE DISPLEASED.”

You start running.  Anywhere.  But the sound is all around you and so are the Glieseians.  Your soul is lost and has been for some time; life is an unsatisfying series of ‘Call Me Maybe’ references and Internet memes.  The alien’s booming voice floats a step behind you.  You refocus to hear what he is saying.

“…BUT HERE’S MY BURN RAY, SO DIE NOW MAYBE.”

Just before you feel the lining of your lungs blister and peel away, an image floats through your mind.

One Comment

  1. Timothy Judd says:

    Feel free to scoff and guffaw at will, but I actually like the song, Carly Rae and the way they did it here w/ the Roots. But, then again, I’m a sucker for any song that makes good use of classroom instruments…

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