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Dec 12

CHRISTMAPOCALYPSE 2012: THE NAP

The hoary specter of Christmas hangs over you like the dreaded sword of Damocles.  You have but six shopping days left to snag a gift perfect enough to make friends and family feel poorly about leaving you off the Christmas card list this year.  The sword dangles nigh in the midnight hour, and there is much trash to choose among the treasure.  Follow me, Faithful Consumer, for I will show you the foolishness in the gold.  At all cost, you must avoid…

NAP MASSAGING BED REST

napbedrest

I freely admit that I am a lazy person.  However, like a yellow belt or a letter grade of ‘F,’ there are levels and branches of laziness, and those who are lazy loathe branches higher and lower.  The Nap is reserved for people who eat French fries and slurp ketchup out of the packet.  I am willing to look past the half-assed recliner (see what I did there?), but attaching it to your bed reads like the start of news articles about 800 pound men who are removed from their homes by firemen.

How is this convenient?  When I come home from a long day of getting my ass kicked by life, the last thing I want to do is to set up a pop-up couch.  The second to last thing I want to do is break down my pop-up couch and lie in the spot that I previously occupied but in a slightly different position.  What I love most about getting into bed is the crisp coolness of the sheets; I might as well crawl up a sweaty buffalo’s ass and go to sleep.

How does this product work with a spouse or significant other?  “Excuse me honey, could you move over?  It’s time to deploy the NAP.”  To the uninitiated, this sounds like a safe word, a come on, or a fair warning before a nuclear Dutch oven.  Yes, yes, right away: if this Rube Goldberg machine is anywhere near the mass of an actual couch, then your partner is better off sleeping on the floor or in the bathtub.

How is this comfortable?  I’d rather try my luck in a hammock swinging over a bed of hot coals. With a couch or a chair, the line of action is reasonably direct: bend knees, plant ass, say “ahh.”  Do you approach this from the foot of the bed and slither like a nasty eel through the covers and into the seatback?  You might make it if you jump from the side of the bed, but watch out for a rogue bedspring.  Putting a cup of coffee on the armrest might need some serious reconsideration.

I get the feeling that this product is the half of the ejector seat that made it out of the plane.  At a hundred smacks, this is a black hole on your credit card, and it’s a surefire way to lighten your Facebook feed without doing any extra work.  Grant a Christmas miracle this season and avoid giving this gift.

3 Comments

  1. Kelly says:

    I assumed that anyone who has a Nap does not have a significant other.

    1. Rick says:

      That’s a safe assumption. Clearly I meant cats.

      These types of products remind me of my favorite Natalie Dee comic: http://www.nataliedee.com/011905/massage-chair.jpg

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